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Exiled In Surrey 10:49 Thu Aug 3
Going back to work in the office

Six habits homeworkers will have to lose to return to the office

From the Daily Mash

COMMERCIAL landlords are upset about homeworking, so do you face the grim prospect of returning to the office?

Here are six habits you’ll have to lose first.

- No more wank breaks

The days of treating yourself to a swift hand shandy after sending an email will be over. It’s probably for the best though. You’ve exhausted every piece of online smut and your genitals have been rubbed raw. Don’t go cold turkey though – knock one out in the toilets three times a day to ease yourself back in.

-Waking up five minutes before work

Homeworkers have got the habit of waking up just before work down to a fine art. Laptops take mere seconds to lean over to and switch on, giving them plenty of minutes to brush their teeth and eat breakfast. A return to the office will herald an ungodly routine that doesn’t involve staying up until 3am scrolling through Instagram.

- Spending the whole day wearing pyjamas

Offices place high demands on their employees. Tyrannical bosses expect their drone ants to wear semi-formal clothing and shoes, not food-stained t-shirts and tracksuit bottoms that haven’t been washed this side of the pandemic. You’ll need to have a shower and run a comb through your hair too because you can’t turn everyone’s eyes off like a Zoom camera.

- Endless procrastination

Offices tend to be drab buildings filled with dull walls and boring desks because they want you to actually focus on your f**king work. Homes on the other hand contain everything you like and offer endless distractions like watching Bargain Hunt and reading everything on the internet. Giving this up will be traumatic, so consider the dole.

- Loudly swearing at your team

At home you’re free to scream blue murder at Lucy from HR or Martin from accounts because no one can hear your expletive-filled tirades. Annoyingly, offices contain people with ears who can process what you say, so you’ll need to keep these rants in your head. Also there’s no ‘mute’ in real life, tragically.

- Getting all your work done in a shorter time

When you worked at home you could blast through all your tasks in record time then spend the afternoon in the pub occasionally checking your emails. In the office though you’ll need to slow down, otherwise you’ll be rewarded by having even more mindless toil heaped on you. Even suggesting going down to a four-day week would threaten to reveal how competent you actually are.

Northern Sold 12:31 Thu Aug 3
Re: Going back to work in the office

My old firm (HMRC) moved office to Stratford... people that went up there obviously got a London weighting allowance... a few mates of mine after about a month of travelling 3 days a week (working the other 2 at home) thought fuck this and applied to WFH 5 days a week... which was rubber stamped.... and they was allowed to keep their London Weighting Allowance ... work that out... personally as I did after about 6 weeks in from the pandemic ... if you have an office use it... even if some days you are the only person on your floor. If I was a Manager I'd be dragging my staff out of their beds ....

Pub Bigot 12:36 Thu Aug 3
Re: Going back to work in the office

I WFH and work my bollocks off. Companies that attempt to get their staff back in will lose talent. Several of my mates work stupid hours as the unofficial expectation is you work longer as you don't have to commute.

And personally, I enjoy my hand shandy breaks to the work toilets. Hearing the bloke in the next cubicle pebble dashing the seat is off-putting.

Eerie Descent 12:38 Thu Aug 3
Re: Going back to work in the office

Northern Brent 12:31 Thu Aug 3

I suppose you had to go to Stratford for some reason, son.
Wouldn't be for the football...

Northern Sold 12:45 Thu Aug 3
Re: Going back to work in the office

ED... I didn't... I took VR and early pension... I've set up a Gardening round now 3 days a week... no way was I going to sit in a office where I was having to look at the shit hole for 8 hours a day... Fuck that

stewie griffin 12:46 Thu Aug 3
Re: Going back to work in the office

Pub Bigot 12:36 Thu Aug 3
Re: Going back to work in the office
I WFH and work my bollocks off.


yup - minimum 12 hour days because the day isn't bookended by travel.
Been to the office twice in the last month and had to make up the time when i got home and over the weekends because its basically a social event where no actual work occurs.

Lee Trundle 12:49 Thu Aug 3
Re: Going back to work in the office

"its basically a social event where no actual work occurs"

If people were in the office working every working day, where they should be, then this wouldn't happen.

Apart from the 2 weeks in 2020 where there was an enforced lockdown I've been into work every day.

The people who use the office like a social event are the WFH wankers that come in once or twice a month.

stewie griffin 12:52 Thu Aug 3
Re: Going back to work in the office

Tbf, I am something of a celebrity, so there might be some truth in that

There is part of me that would quite like to go back to working the shortened days that office people work. Better work life balance and much easier.

Northern Sold 12:52 Thu Aug 3
Re: Going back to work in the office

Yeah must be a killer being able to post on here 8 hours a day without any boss looking over your shoulder.... get back in you work shy cunts...

Available Porn
Available WHO
Available Richard & Judy
Available local pub 3 Hours a day
Available 2 hour break for exercise (see pub)


Ooooooh I work so hard from home... Yeah right ho.... get back in the fucking office

Lee Trundle 1:25 Thu Aug 3
Re: Going back to work in the office

stewie griffin 12:52 Thu Aug 3

These people coming into the office every now and then haven't seen people they work with for weeks, in some cases months, so it's understandable it's a social event for them.

My boss has the same work ethic as me, and because we see each other every day, we don't chit chat about how things are at home, how the holiday was etc. We just get on with our work.

The vast majority of people work less when they WFH. No study or report will change my mind on that.

Northern Sold 1:33 Thu Aug 3
Re: Going back to work in the office

What Trunds said... too be fair all my MATES even now admit the piss taking... one got called out last year... would regularly go and sit down on Southend beach whilst meant to be working... took the work I phone down there so if anything important came up he could deal with it... his boss phoned him up and asked where he was... my MATE said beavering away at home... his boss said well answer your fucking door then as I'm outside... he had been going round checking on people's whereabouts... my MATE was not the only one AWOL

Get back in the Office

VickyPkVillageIdiot 1:35 Thu Aug 3
Re: Going back to work in the office

Think I'd rather be stuck in a drab office than sat on Southend 'beach'.

Nurse Ratched 1:41 Thu Aug 3
Re: Going back to work in the office

Trundle

I agree with you. There may be sectors where people are incentivised by bonuses, etc, and therefore work just as hard, or more, from home as they do in the office. But I can tell by experience that in other sectors that is certainly not the case. When is the last time you called an organisation such as your local council, or Inland Revenue, or Curry's (it's certainly not just public sector organisations) and you were not immediately treated to a recorded message saying 'we are currently experiencing a very high volume of calls, so either go to our website or accept you'll have to waste all morning hanging on for someone to speak to you'? It's universal now. WHY are they having such an unprecedented high volume of calls, and since Spring 2020? It's bullshit. The delays are due to staff shirking from home and ignoring their work.

Case in point: Nicola Bulley. Obviously, I don't mean to be unkind, but at the time she was walking her dog in that park, she was supposed to be in an online work meeting. How much attention can you really be giving to your work if you're walking your dog and encountering other dog walkers? Camera and mic probably muted so your boss can't see where you are, almost certainly not engaging in an activity you are paid to do.

Dumbleweed 1:49 Thu Aug 3
Re: Going back to work in the office

Nurse Ratched 1:41 Thu Aug 3

' I don't mean to be unkind'


BWAHAHAHAHAHA

Nurse Ratched 2:01 Thu Aug 3
Re: Going back to work in the office

Yeah, I know. Poor lady, that was a bloody tragedy. Unfortunately her story is the only high profile example of the WFH phenomenon I was referring to that is known to many people. I wish I could have used another.

Grumpster 1:44 Fri Aug 4
Re: Going back to work in the office

Been to the office twice since march 2020, though go up for every social event as finish at 3.30 so perfect timing to get the train into fenchurch for 5.

Done 7.30 till 3.30 in the office with zero extea minutes and with a 6 pint lunch break on a Friday, but now do 6.30 til 4.00 with no lunch break, as basically sitting at home so don't need one and happily work the hours I used to be sitting bored on a train.

Even log on at the weekend if a partner needs something done.

I mean either work harder and stay at home saving £350 a month on travel or get called back in was my motto, so work harder it is.

Capitol Man 2:10 Fri Aug 4
Re: Going back to work in the office

My boss decided he didn’t want to hire anyone who worked remotely. Then they shut the office in his city. He’s shut up about it now.

Going into the office these days involves mostly using teams and zoom and then having to duck into phone rooms dozens of times to have conversations you don’t want everyone to hear.

Eerie Descent 2:19 Fri Aug 4
Re: Going back to work in the office

So you're Lucy from HR.

Makes sense.

Capitol Man 2:21 Fri Aug 4
Re: Going back to work in the office

Probably not a lot of strategy, planning and politicking in your role operating the bog brush wank stain.

Eerie Descent 2:35 Fri Aug 4
Re: Going back to work in the office

I dunno, you can't go round slinging that thing about willy nilly.

Capitol Man 2:40 Fri Aug 4
Re: Going back to work in the office

Ag, clockwise or anti clockwise or mix it up a bit for variety to make the day pass quicker?

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